Being 20, Twenty years later

When I was 21, my twin daughters were born. Gone, immediately, was the life I had known and instantly I became the entire universe for two tiny creatures. To say I was unprepared was the understatement of the year. And even though everything I had planned to do and to be and everything I wanted suddenly took a backseat to their needs, I wouldn't change having them in my life for anything in the world. They taught me patience, and humility, and showed me that I possessed a strength I never knew existed. They are also the walking-talking-living-breathing definition of love.

I read somewhere once (can't remember where or I would definitely give proper attribution) that having a child is like having a portion of your heart walking around outside your body and you are powerless to protect it. That is a pretty apt description because, try as you might to make life better for your kids than you had it yourself, you will never live up to everything they need. You will also never live up to all of the expectations of being a parent you thought were important.

I dreaded the day my daughters turned 18. Dreaded even more the day they turned 21. For more than half of my life, being a mom was all I knew; all I thought I was good at. I thought that when they didn't need me to 'mother' anymore, I would have no definition to my life and would cease to be. I had been Amy the mom for so long I forgot how to be Amy the person. Well, I truly couldn't have been more wrong. First of all, you never finish being a mom. Never. They might not need me in the same ways anymore, but they will always need me---if only to be their North Star to orient them as they make their way thru life. Secondly, having adult children when you are still young enough to appreciate it gives you a chance to experience the life you missed when they were babies. And that is what I am doing now. I am having the 20's I never had when I was 20. The best part of all is that they get to be a part of it with me. We do homework together, discuss classes, go shopping and occasionally have even been to the bar together to do karaoke or otherwise. I will never consider myself their 'friend' only (like Lindsey Lohan's and Paris Hilton's mothers seem to do). I will always be Mom first, and foremost, but I enjoy having these new experiences with them as something like a friend. A friend to the tenth power, as it were.

They are my legacy and my love.